The following essay is based on reality. You may be offended.
At some point, I will express my dismay at anybody who might find reality to be offensive. In the meantime, at the risk of offending anybody and in hope of offending everybody with thoughts of silliness, I want to think aloud—or is it aprint?—about the naming of sports franchises (teams). Certain names are clearly offensive to certain people. And some of these teams play in certain places (jurisdictions) that make no sense. They aren’t offensive, just annoyingly inaccurate.
The Dallas Cowboys plays half of each season somewhere close to Dallas, which seems only apt. What seems inapt is that the team’s division is the NFC East. The only way this may have happened is if some idiot was put in charge of interpreting a Rand McNally atlas or Google Earth. The entire roster of the NFC North, for instance, is located in towns east of Dallas. The Vikings, Lions, Packers, and Bears are located far north of Dallas, as well, which only goes further to confuse things.
I’ve been to Dallas numerable times. And granted that my visits there have been limited to limo rides from the airport to the convention center to the Hyatt Regency. I don’t recall ever noticing any cowboys. Dallas is an oil town and I believe a better name for its franchise would be the Prairie Grasshoppers.
The marketing possibilities are mind-numbing. If only UC Santa Cruz could capitalize on the name of its mascot—the Banana Slug—it could use the money for scholarships in cannabis culture and surfing.
While there have never been any Viking sightings in the twin cities of Minneapolis-St. Paul, nine out of ten Minnesotans can trace their lineage to some distant fjord in Norway. Nine out of ten Minnesotans also own a boat and an ice fishing hut. Three out of ten ice huts have refrigerators which, on the surface, seem redundant.
The Vikings were no doubt the inspiration for Tampa naming its team the Buccaneers, the Spanish equivalent of the Norse Vikings. The Las Vegas Raiders might belong in this group, although the team’s history of bouncing from one city to another might suggest the team name be the Nomads.
Bears, clearly on top of the food chain, have a reputation of being ferocious and unafraid. That makes them as footballers to best represent the violence that gridiron combat requires. With the obvious exception of the 1985 Super Bowl, the Bears have shown little of the mettle needed to earn their way past a losing record. The fact that they, like almost every other NFL team, get into the playoffs is one of the great mysteries of the modern world.
It should be noted that the Bears have a baseball counterpart called the Cubs. Cubs are the offspring of Bears and are regarded as cute, playful and cuddly. That says a lot about the Chicago Cubs.
Vicious mammals seem popular among team owners. The Bengals, Jaguars, Panthers and Lions have never been sighted in their namesake cities, unless in a zoo. The jury is out on the Rams although, in keeping with the town’s industry, a better name might be the Los Angeles Vultures.
Birds are popular, too, from the Ravens and Eagles to the Falcons, Cardinals and Seahawks, the latter of which are actually Ospreys. I like Seattle, the city. Full disclosure should require the team to change its name to the Pigeons.
There is only one team, Miami, named after a fish. And yes, I know that Dolphins are not fish but do you really want to spend the morning discussing the mammalian family Delphinidae? Me neither.
There are lots of conflicting opinions about the Buffalo Bills. What, for instance, is a Bill? It’s pretty clear that the New York Jets are the only NFL team named after the white gang from West Side Story.
If the name of the Indianapolis team seems ludicrous, remember that the Colts were first in Baltimore. I can appreciate Denver’s team as Broncos. The joke about OJ’s escape from justice being with a slow white Bronco (John Elway) still makes me laugh.
After decades of wrangling with a name change for the Washington Redskins, the $6 billion team dropped the offensive name in favor of the less offensive Washington Football Team. Thought to be too difficult a name to fit into a team anthem, the team’s PR department came up with the Commanders. By the time the owner got around to firing the PR team, it was too little, too late because the players jerseys had already been delivered.
I believe a more descriptive name for a team from the nation’s capital would be the Boars or the Do-Nothings.
If we’re interested in not being offensive to indigenous Americans—and we should be—baseball did right by Cleveland’s renaming the Indians to the Guardians. It’s a ridiculous name, but no more so than the Cleveland Browns. What exactly is a Brown? Or, for that matter, a Charger?
In these trying-to-be-PC days, why does Kansas City get to keep both its name, the Chiefs, and its arrowhead logo?
Photo illustration by Courtney A. Liska
Pork Chops with Orange and Thyme
This is an easy and delicious dinner that all will ask for more. Serve with rice or mashed potatoes.
4 bone-in pork loin chops (1/2 inch thick)
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 Tbs. unsalted butter
1 large shallot, finely chopped (about ¼ cup)
¼ cup fresh orange juice
2 Tbs. fresh lemon juice
½ cup heavy cream
1 Tbs. fresh thyme leaves or ½ tsp. dried thyme, crushed
1 tsp. grated orange zest
Season both sides of the pork chops with salt and pepper. In a large skillet, melt the butter over medium-high heat. Add the pork chops, reduce the heat to medium, and cook, turning once, until slightly pink inside (145°F), 6 to 8 minutes. Transfer the pork chops to a platter and cover with foil to keep warm.
Add the shallot to the pan and sauté briefly, until translucent. Add the orange and lemon juices, stirring with a wire whisk to loosen any browned bits from the bottom of the pan. Bring to a boil and cook until the liquid is nearly gone—this should take just a minute or two, depending on the heat and your pan size. Whisk in the cream. Boil until the sauce reaches the desired consistency. Season the sauce with salt and pepper. Whisk in the thyme and orange zest.
Spoon the sauce over the pork chops and serve.