When I note that his infamous reign is usually associated with tyranny, extravagance, and debauchery, please realize I’m talking about Nero, the fifth Roman emperor who ruled from 54 to 68 AD, and not the other guy you might have thought I was referencing.
Before becoming a Roman emperor, Nero was the host of the wildly popular Gladiatorial Games at the newly built Colosseum. He maintained relationships with many of the surviving contestants, though he took harsh criticism for firing Garibuseli, Rome’s favorite gladiator and matinee idol of the emerging Roman off-Strada avant-garde theater. The elite combatants would serve Nero as his security detail when he decided he’d had enough of show business and wanted to get into politics, where the real denarius was.
After suffering one of the worse plagues in ancient times, as well as a fire he fiddled through for five days without taking a break, Nero tried to assure the Roman citizenry of his fitness, stating that he was a “perfect physical specimen and extremely young.” He even went so far as to take a chariot victory ride through the streets of Rome before returning to Circus Maximus, where Bedmidlia sang at the adjacent Thermae Balneae and Day Spa.
Only 31, Nero appeared bloated, his breath seemed short, and his reign of mean-spirited terror was on the verge of collapse. He frequently misspoke, which, in Latin, is forgivable. As any self-respecting autocrat would do when faced with enormous debt, the loss of control, and an idiot son who wouldn’t stop talking to reporters from The Roman Times, he took his own life.
Maybe.
Rome had no shortage of whacked-out conspiracy nuts, most of whom cited their Emendatione II rights to possess and open-carry unlimited arsenals of swords, lances, and spears.
Anyway, two theories emerged in the days following Nero’s demise in 68 AD. One claimed that Nero had faked his death and was still alive, hiding in an underground bunker and plotting to return and re-establish his reign. Another held that Nero was dead, but that he would arise from the dead to retake his throne.
The evangelicals of Rome—about 38 percent of the population; Nero’s base, as it were—believed he was alive because if he had actually died, they would have enjoyed the rapture spiral to heaven with him. It never occurred to them that his after-life direction might have been going the other way and they should count their lucky stars.
Nero’s passing signaled the onset of the Age of the Conspiracy Theory, a movement that grows more widespread as populations grow and funding for education shrinks.
Some people seem unable to acknowledge, let alone accept, the fact that sometimes stuff just happens, that there isn’t a dark side to every issue, and that there aren’t evil forces controlling the events of our times.
I asked my shrink, Dr. Günter Klaus von Grubersteingruber, who still works days as a diesel mechanic, what his take might be.
“It ees all about zee control zat vee don’t haff,” he said.
He went on to explain that the reason he works as a diesel mechanic is because there are great forces at work in the universe to discredit the practice of psychiatry.
Conspiracy theories abound when it comes to issues of government. It’s been suggested that American democracy was a Masonic experiment (many of the founding fathers were Freemasons) but things went south when the fraternal order—without any specified reasons, let alone proof—sank the Titanic and facilitated the crimes of Jack the Ripper.
The order is also accused of anti-Semitism, which should come as a surprise to the 53 active lodges in Israel.
After Masonry was deemed a cult, The New World Order stepped in and took over. With its elite, international membership and the help of such organizations as the Trilateral Commission, the Federal Reserve System, the World Bank, the NFL, the United Nations, and the Bohemian Club, whose members get to urinate in the great outdoors of the Bohemian Grove for a couple of weeks every summer, the Order seeks to dominate world economies, industry and the media. The Order operates out of underground bunkers under the Denver International Airport, which accounts for the $50 cab fare from downtown.
While most theorists are content to talk about their unfounded paranoia with their fellow disbelievers in dark alleys and dimly lit coffee shops, some actually answer the call to action. Sen. Joe McCarthy, a bloated and sweaty, alcoholic Republican from Wisconsin became the face of the Cold War when he gave a speech in 1950 stating that the State Department was full of commies and homosexuals who needed to be exposed and excised. In the wake of his demagogic recklessness was left a trail of destroyed careers and lives. So it goes, huh, Joe?
There’s no shortage of conspiracy notions surrounding next month’s election. Trumpers are convinced that the Democrats will hi-jack the election if mail-in ballots are used. Though there’s no evidence to support this, the theorists allow that should Trump win then the elections were fair—even if mail-in ballots were used. Well that certainly makes sense.
But some conspiracy theories have a light-hearted side frequently expressed on the covers of magazines sold at grocery store checkout lines. Frequent subjects include UFOs, extraterrestrials, space aliens in Congress, flying saucers and Area 51, which is so old and well known that it’s become the butt of jokes. Virtually everyone knows of the “secret” facility. Inquiring minds want to know if Area 51 is just a coverup for a bigger experimental extraterrestrial facility called Area 52.
Closer to earth, conspiracy theories are in a continuous swirl around Hillary, Jeffrey Epstein, and Bigfoot.
I wonder when D.B. Cooper fell out of conspiratorial favor.
More than a thousand books have been published addressing the theory that Lee Harvey Oswald did not act alone in the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. None have offered enough convincing evidence to support the claims, however, or to call for further official investigation of the events of Nov. 22, 1963. It’s likely that some of the theorists who support that view, however, are convinced that JFK, Jr., is alive and well and actively attending Trump rallies in a capacity that nobody seems able to explain.
The theory suggesting that the tragic events of 9/11 were some kind of an inside job still persists in some quarters. At least a dozen structural engineers and architects, most of them, oddly enough, based in Alaska, contend that there’s no possible way that the two Boeing 767 aircraft could have brought down the twin towers of the World Trade Center.
The evidence of al-Qaeda operatives hijacking the aircraft in concert with hundreds of operatives who would had rigged the towers with explosives to implode at a specific time is not apparent, let alone plausible—although mere plausibility is a frequent substitute for truth. Some conspiracy theorists suggest an even more absurd claim that it was an American effort to coordinate the attacks with foreign nationals to create a reason for further Middle East military action.
I see a couple of problems with the bases of most conspiracy notions. The plots are typically outrageous and extraordinarily complicated.
And besides, people love to talk and share their secrets.
Photo manipulation by Courtney A. Liska
Three Sisters Stew
Tomorrow is Indigenous Peoples’ Day. This is a Navajo recipe that I suggest to honor our nation’s natives. The corn acted as a pole for the beans, while the squash grew as mulch at the corn’s base, hence the three sisters.
1 pound trimmed pork loin, cut into 1-inch cubes
1 teaspoon ground cumin
Kosher salt, as needed
Black pepper, as needed
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 large yellow onion, diced
3 garlic cloves, minced
4 cups turkey or chicken stock
1 medium yellow squash, diced
1 (15-ounce) can pinto beans, drained
1 (15-ounce) can black beans, drained
1 (14 1/2-ounce) can diced tomatoes
2 cups fresh or frozen corn kernels
1 (4-ounce) can roasted green chiles (1/2 cup)
½ bunch fresh cilantro, roughly chopped (optional)
Season pork with cumin, salt, and pepper. Heat oil in a Dutch oven or large heavy-bottomed saucepan over medium-high heat until it shimmers. Add pork, in batches if necessary, and cook, turning as needed, until lightly browned on all sides, 5 to 6 minutes. Transfer pork to a bowl and set aside.
Add onion to pan and sauté, stirring occasionally, until translucent, 5 to 7 minutes.
Add garlic and sauté, stirring occasionally, until lightly colored, 1 to 2 minutes. Return pork to pan, along with stock and squash, and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium-low and simmer, covered, for about 30 minutes.
Add beans, tomatoes, corn and chiles and cook, uncovered, over medium heat until stew has thickened, about 40 minutes. Add cilantro and season to taste with salt and pepper.
