When I raise my head from the comfort of my pillow at precisely six a.m. each morning, I am eager to engage in what humans have been doing since the beginning of time: inventing new ways to entertain myself while avoiding work. Little did I know that such avoidance may actually be useful. Play may, as it turns out, give way to productivity.
We can only hope.
From the beginning of time our amusements, from making music on the rib cages of dead animals and hollow logs to chasing spherical objects and each other—only a couple of which I’ve actually done—are what define the species to several extents and on several levels. We like to play and, given the opportunity, we will pursue play in almost any venue with relentless vigor. That pursuit is often at the expense of things considered more important, but it seems never to matter.
Who among us, after all, would opt for a day at the office over a day on the river?
Steven Johnson, the best-selling author of books including How We Got To Now and Where Good Ideas Come From, recently published Wonderland: How Play Made the Modern World (Riverhead Books, 2017) in which he argues that the pursuit of play can provide the seed for groundbreaking innovations.
Johnson is asking us to accept whatever is offered in the way of playful invention or innovation as a portent to the future of mankind and its relation to the world and its very nature. The products of imagination set the stage for the future.
Just as in days gone by, there’s no predicting what will come from the seemingly frivolous things that arise from our imaginations, although I have a pretty good idea that nothing of much importance will evolve from any of the following useless products that are begging for our attention and dollars.
For starters, if you’re so addicted to your “devices” that you need to have them within reach when you’re in the shower you might want to seek professional help. Regardless, that’s the situation in which many find themselves these days, especially when waiting for an important phone call, email, or notification of a cute cat doing something cuter than the cat itself. The Screenholder Shower Curtain (SSC) allows you to not miss a minute of semi-social interaction while making sure that your phone isn’t damaged in the process. Those precious six or seven minutes of shower time are well protected by this amazing curtain.
To accompany the SSC, there is a water-proof notepad that adheres to the wall of your shower. On it you can write down any notions of brilliance that might be inspired by your morning shower. You can also listen to the latest tunes on your water-proof Bluetooth Speaker, which also can stick to the shower wall.
Aren’t these just amazing times we’re living in?
Before we leave the bathroom and its modern shower comforts, let’s consider the Toilet Seat Pedal, a gizmo that allows one to forgo the arduous task of lifting a toilet seat in the more traditional, accepted manner (by hand) and returns it to its closed position. The pedal promises to keep your hand(s) clean, while assuring others that the seat will always be left down and untouched.
And speaking of toilets there are now glow-in-the-dark illumination strips that can be placed around the interior perimeters of the actual bowl. As promised, these strips glow in the dark, which serves to help a man find his aim when he can’t find the light switch.
From the bathroom we can head into the bedroom where one may wish to have a Secret Compartment Pillow Safe. It looks like a normal pillow case except that it has a secret compartment to store your most precious valuables: cash, gems, ticket stubs from Woodstock. My grandmother hid her cash—she had no gems of value, no concert mementos—under her mattress.
Of course some intruder might come looking for such booty as one might keep in a pillow safe, in which case you could equip your bed with the Back Up. It’s a gun rack that is mounted between the mattress and the box springs, which allows you to keep a shotgun right at your side while you sleep. No more fumbling around in the dark looking for that 12-guage while some intruder threatens your life and property. Just reach down, pick it up and blast away. I would suggest that you get one for each side of the bed because you just can’t have enough firepower in these dangerous, uncertain times.
Many American inventors seem to have something of foot fetish as there is no shortage of products designed for American feet. There are bedroom slippers with tiny headlights to help you navigate your way around in the dark. There are other slippers that look like little floor mops that allow you to dust your hardwood floors by merely shuffling around. There is no shortage of socks that allow your legs to become facsimiles of animal paws or chicken legs. Perhaps the most intriguing product in this category is the amazing Stick-On Foot Pad. Think of a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad that never sees the inside of a shoe but, rather, adheres to your foot, thereby allowing you to walk around feeling barefoot yet magically protected from hazardous elements.
Of the thousands of gadgets designed to make life in the kitchen more cluttered, three seem worthy of ridicule and scorn. First is the Fat Magnet, a space-age gizmo that defies description and promises to “magnetically” remove fat from your soups and stews. The fact that fat has no magnetic properties didn’t stop Dr. Oz from giving this product his hearty endorsement.
The Fast Defrosting Tray is the brainchild of some huckster who figured out that frozen foods thaw more quickly if they come in contact with metal. I remember hearing something about this in high school physics. To save the $12.99, plus shipping and handling, just take that piece of frozen animal protein and set it in a cast-iron skillet. Voila!
At long last somebody has addressed the pesky problem of how to spread butter that hasn’t yet softened to a spreadable temperature. The solution is the long-awaited Butter Grater, a product which allows you to load a stick of butter into a cylindrical device that twists and pushes the butter out in little curly strands that become instantly spreadable.
Nothing can ruin a nature outing more than rain. Umbrellas are both cumbersome and outdated. That was apparently the inspiration behind the Umbrella Jacket, a hands-free hat-like thing at looks a little like an inverted dog’s neck cone and allows the wearer to look like a colorful Flying Nun.
And speaking of the great outdoors, we need to address that pesky problem of what to do with your beverage when wishing to remain hands free. For wine drinkers there is the Wine Buddy, a sling, of sorts, that hangs from around your neck and cradles a stemmed wine glass at an easily adjustable height. For the beer drinker there is the flip-down belt buckle that becomes a secure little platform for either bottle or can.
But if you’re enjoying the outdoors from a crowded and cluttered picnic table, don’t forget to bring your Clip-On Cup Holder, which does exactly what its name implies.
To address the problem of picnic food falling to the ground or blanket when not at a table, there are now Picnic Pants. These appear to be normal pants with a triangle of fabric sewn to the inseams from the crotch to the knees. When dining cross-legged on the ground, any food that doesn’t happen to make it into your mouth falls safely into the embrace of the fabric triangle.
Yeah, I don’t get it either.
Curried Chicken Salad with Grapes
Dressing
1/2 cup mayonnaise or salad dressing
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
2 to 3 teaspoons curry powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
Salad
3 cups diced cooked chicken
1 cup sliced celery
1 cup seedless green grapes, halved
Small can of pineapple chunks (optional)
3 tablespoons slivered almonds, toasted (optional)
In large bowl, stir dressing ingredients until well mixed.
Fold in chicken, celery, grapes and, if using, pineapple chunks. Sprinkle with almonds, if using.
Photography by Courtney A. Liska