A Ruptured Rapture

It’s been brought to my attention that there have been several predicted days on which the “rapture” was to occur. As far as I can tell, such a monumental event has not happened. I look to the skies frequently, but I have yet to notice the true-believing people floating upwards, shedding their clothes to facilitate a naked arrival to the heavens—apparently some kind of a celestial strip club.

Does that signify St. Peter as being some sort of pervert? I’m not one to judge.

Why this rapture occurrence is important is something I can’t begin to fathom, although I’m hoping I won’t be mistakenly taken. But then again, I do not understand the concepts of much of the evangelical movement, whose believers give oodles of money to such people as Joel Osteen—the self-acclaimed holy man, book author and sideshow huckster. Salvation will come to donors.

In my faith, we have rabbis who will never see wealth. We gather mostly to complain about stuff, which is why we wear yarmulkes so God can’t tell us apart. “Thou shall know that there’s safety in numbers” should be a commandant (if it isn’t already) added to our list of 613.

Which makes me wonder: Why would believers in the rapture double as survivalists? This might be called hedging one’s bets by playing the odds.

At best, it’s a craps shot.

But there are those who can’t see this paradox as being paradoxical except, perhaps, the hucksters peddling generators, tactical clothing and gear, and freeze-dried food whose expiration dates are early in the next century. Most of this hustle is delivered to afternoon television viewers who have nothing better to do than, well, watch afternoon television seeking bargains for those things we’ll need in case the rapture morphs into an apocalypse.

While it would make more sense for the rapture to be an event after the apocalypse, nobody knows for sure. Such is the case with all Biblical events, predictions and promises. If it does come after the apocalypse, one can bet that the survivors will have dodged the bullets of the four horsemen: Conquest (Zelus), War (Ares), Famine (Limos), and Death (Thanatos) before their ascent.

This Bible stuff is really confusing.

The evangelical right, of which many are MAGA Trumpers, are buying generators as if there’s no tomorrow. It seems only logical to ask that if there is no tomorrow, why buy a generator? There are what seem to be generators that are expensive. They have legitimate uses in cases of power outages that might last for far longer than a day or two. If you don’t go rummaging around in a freezer, your frozen food should be good for up to four or five days.

The ones being hawked by bearded guys in olive-green T-shirts are cheap appliances meant to power a dorm-size refrigerator and a small reading lamp. Maybe. And for how long? Who knows? While the big generators are powered by natural gas, the survivalist ones are powered by solar energy.

Now, if that isn’t ironic, then I don’t know what is.

Trumpers are the “drill, drill, drill” folks who think that solar power is the work of Satan. Who but the devil could have created windmills as gas-spewing bird killers?

And yet a single solar panel is what the generator buyer gets for free—a single panel that can deliver a couple of hours of energy.

I once saw the threatening bumper sticker (“Don’t Tread On Me”) on a Prius. Now, that’s both funny and ironic.

Tactical gear is what was once found in Army/Navy stores of which there are few anymore. Today, tactical gear is made with strange fabrics that you have to buy online. The gear, mostly made in China, range from little boxes to store cyanide capsules to coats lined with yak hair to tolerate -80 below zero temperatures. In between are all the fashions modeled by the January 6 insurrectionists.

Combat boots like the ones your mother used to wear are widely available, as are asbestos-lined hockey gloves.

To gain stature of a true survivalist is to make a commitment to horrible food unless the aspirant has already sworn off fine dining at Jack-In-the-Box and to express the joy of Cream of Wheat without cream and dehydrated SpaghettiOs.

Hermetically sealed dining kits are not cheap. The reason is that if you find it necessary to consume its contents until it’s all gone, the world’s monetary systems will have collapsed. At that point, people will be killing each other over a few packages of dried lutefisk.

A company called 4Patriots, offers a “3-Month Survival Food Kit” for $699.95.

“This Good-For-25-Year Survival Food Kit is actually in stock! After being “sold out” for more than a year, the Deluxe 3-Month Survival Food Kit is back on the menu. And it’s better than ever. With exclusive recipes that are so yummy, you’ll swear your grandma made them.”

The ad says it’s rated 5 stars. I wonder by whom.

Photo illustration by Courtney A. Liska

Mushrooms on Toast

Hard to beat this hearty, earthy dish that works well as both a tapa and a bruschetta. Pair with a Pinot Noir.

2 Tbs. unsalted butter, plus more as needed
1 pound thinly sliced portobello or cremini mushrooms
1 tsp. chopped fresh thyme
2 small garlic cloves, minced
Salt and pepper
Splash of sherry or Marsala (optional)
¼ cup crème fraîche
4 thick slices crusty bread, toasted and each slice cut into fours
2 Tbs. chopped parsley

Heat a wide skillet over high heat and add butter, swirling pan. When butter begins to sizzle, add mushrooms and cook over medium heat, stirring, until lightly browned, 6 to 8 minutes.
Add thyme and garlic, and stir to coat. Season well with salt and pepper and continue to sauté for a minute more, then add sherry, if using. Add crème fraîche and let mixture simmer 2 minutes.
Meanwhile, toast bread slices until golden. Lightly butter them and place on individual warm plates.
Spoon mushrooms and juices over toast points. Top with chopped parsley.