Known for his bluster and bombast and his hyper-vigilance in supporting all things to which a conspiracy theory might apply, the Fox News host Tucker Carlson has turned his attention—and those of others—to testicles.
His and ours are the focus of a study that Carlson says is proof of the “total collapse of testosterone levels in American men.” The result is that American men are failing to sufficiently demonstrate their masculinity. The political right is gleefully embracing the notion that men have been drained of the testosterone they need to restore and retain the masculine traits that we once had.
They want to shine a light on the problem, so to speak.
Obviously, at the core of their political thought is that men should demonstrate more masculine traits so we can better exert our control over women. With no basis in reality, let alone scientific method, Carlson has said that declining levels have been noted at 10 percent per decade.
Carlson’s so-called “documentary” doesn’t offer a scintilla of scientific evidence, but it suggests that under-performing testicles can be saved and/or boosted with infrared light from a device made by a company called Joovv. It also might help with the deterioration of our national sperm count, which, apparently, is dangerously on the decline.
The contraption that Joovv and Fox News are hawking looks like a waist-high, under-counter dormitory refrigerator that shines an infrared light on the affected area—namely, the testicles. It doesn’t say for how long or if sunscreen should be applied in adjacent areas not needing repair.
Carlson, whose facial expressions frequently suggest that he’s trying to figure out who in the room just passed gas, will be shown dressed in desert camo to show that this unfortunate turn of events has spared him. His testicles, apparently, work just fine; his testosterone flying high over the standards established by the Fox News department of neo-science and modern myth.
He is, after all, as buff as a television host needs to be.
A better measure of American masculinity is to note that last year, for the first time in automotive history, trucks outsold cars. That fact actually supports Carlson’s thesis. Trucks, with their over-sized everything and outfitted with dual exhaust stacks to demonstrate that we’re fatally dependent on oil, provide for the owner something in the way compensation for…well, I don’t have to spell it out.
Size matters when talking trucks. The biggest ones have four doors, seat five passengers and have full-sized cargo beds. When parked outside the local sporting goods store, they need two spaces. They are impossible to parallel park. And they cost about the same as a three-bedroom, two-bath house in 1998.
Very few of those who buy trucks need one—at least in the sense of what trucks were made for. Apparently need takes a backseat to style. Style, for most of the trucks actually being used as trucks, won’t attract much attention when they’re outfitted with construction or ranch equipment. A soft patina of rust shows age.
Angie Schmitt, writing in Bloomberg, noted that “these vehicles have transformed from no-frills workhorses into angry giants.”
Pickup truck front ends have warped into scowling brick walls, billboards for outwardly directed hostility. “The goal of modern truck grilles,” wrote Jalopnik’s Jason Torchinsky in 2018, “seems to be… about creating a massive, brutal face of rage and intimidation.”
What these angry vehicles with their paramilitary aesthetic represent is far more significant than that of personal vehicles to get from Point A to Point B and back again. They have become refuges, fortresses, and private enclaves—instrumental to the very definition of class and gender identity. The bigger and the badder the better is at least part of the appeal to the owners of these brutish behemoths. This may represent a crisis of masculinity (just ask Tucker) or a simple fear of being emasculated by being seen driving a minivan.
Cara Daggett, a professor of political science at Virginia Tech coined the term “petro-masculinity” to describe flamboyant expressions of fossil fuel use by men (and some women as well, but mostly men) as a reaction against social progress. To these drivers, “the affront of global warming or environmental regulations appear as insurgents on par with the dangers posed by feminists and queer movements seeking to leech energy and power from the state/traditional family,” she wrote.
Indeed. After-market equipment can be purchased to provide drivers with the capability to pollute via a practice known as “rolling coal.” While illegal, the driver uses this equipment on modified diesel trucks to blow black smoke at targets of their disapproval. My guess is that joggers, bicyclists, and electric vehicles are frequent targets.
While descriptions of the front ends of trucks are mostly subjective, the realities of what has become of the pickup truck just are as frightening.
Since 1990, U.S. pickup trucks have added almost 1,300 pounds on average. Some of the biggest vehicles on the market now weigh almost 7,000 pounds. And among increasingly popular heavy-duty models, the height of the truck’s front end may reach to the shoulders or neck of a grown man
In addition to notable “blind spots” on these vehicles, the drivers have limited visibility over the hoods. While driver and passengers enjoy great safety and comfort in these pickup trucks, other road users aren’t so lucky. The trucks are notably more lethal to other road users.
Pedestrians are the most vulnerable. If hit by a sedan or other less threatening vehicles, victims have mostly sustained injuries to the lower part of their bodies. The “angry giants” deliver their greatest damage to the far-more fragile upper chest and head.
Any attempt to regulate these vehicles by size or weight would likely be met with protests from their owners that their “rights” were being violated. Joining ranks with the anti-vaxxers and anti-maskers, these individuals—given the chance—will make the case that personal rights outweigh the collective good.
The good news is that if Tucker’s red lights just happen to work, we won’t need the angry giants.
Photo illustration by Courtney A. Liska
Stracotto alla Fiorentina
There is pot roast and there is (maybe) your mother’s pot roast. And then there is Stracotto alla Fiorentina. Its name means “overcooked” (in the best possible way) and it is lush, tender and beyond delicious.
1 cup red onions, chopped
1 cup celery, chopped
1 cup carrots, chopped
1/2 cup parsley, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
Extra-virgin olive oil
3-4# chuck roast
1/4 cup porcini mushrooms soaked in water
2 cups small cremini mushrooms
1 bottle Chianti
4 cups tomatoes
2 cups chicken or beef stock
In a Dutch oven, sauté vegetables & garlic in the oil for 6-7 minutes. Remove. Season the meat with salt & pepper and brown very well. Put vegetables back in the pan and add some of the wine, scraping the pan. Add porcini, reserving the water, and cook for a few minutes. Add wine & tomatoes and simmer. Add mushrooms, stock and porcini liquid. Pour over the meat and cook at a slow simmer for 2-3 hours, until fork tender.